Ultimate Freedom Under Proper Authority

Last night a young woman asked me for a way that she could get another chance to engage with this poem. She asked if it were online somewhere. As a result, I decided to post it and share it freely.

Be Blessed!


ULTIMATE FREEDOM UNDER PROPER AUTHORITY
jenaevans 6/1/2006

Can I paint you a picture
Can I share a dream
As vivid as a grove of daisies blowing near
A tiny stream… A pillar of rocks, sandstone or lime
Hanging high above head fixed in time
over the foot-beaten path
Under a Sycamore Tree
Down in the porous valley
Neath the stellar Autumn breeze
Where I take responsibility never given me
Mistaking it for authority
Which I truly, truly need

I dare not under any circumstance reflect
On any aftermath and take into consideration
The other side this chance, this opportunity,
This “do it” yes contentedly
Cause we are both adults and pleased to
Do as we do please of course…

Does responsibility mean I’m responsible?
Does it carry with it consequence beyond this throw
Beyond this trigger, beyond this erection,
Beyond my steely thighs spread wide,
Beyond my inner voices objectionable cry…

I am not red-faced, pinned up, emotional rage
Brimming over onto every page… There are buttons they have pushed inside
I am not at liberty, no not me, to describe
I seek to find relief, sweet relief, to blame, to shame what an unmitigated shame
I am looking and searching every toss of the sea
Every swell of the breeze, every lower level ticker
Running cross the TV to find and know who the villain might be

I am reaction, the truth be known. I am educated and grown. I have stood
The test of time. I have made it through just fine. So far I’ve come
And yet I’m still as angry as I was that day back then and I can’t quite
Remember when it first took me captive, entangled me, wedded me to misery.

I am coming to freely realize the truth… I am angry at me…
I am the Bladerunner… the defective replicant… I am angry at me-
I am angry at me… I am angry at you
You have become everyman to me, and I have become more of my choice to react in anger
Than I ever imagined I could be…
I have become more of my choice to react in disdain, in disgust
Than to act as the agent of full blown self sacrificing love, help me Jesus

I can, I CAN do the work but I am walking perpetually wounded
I am mad and enraged at the universe, at betrayal, at those who lashed out
At you opening your mouth…
At you opening your mouth and telling me you loved me and showing
That love in so many, many amazingly disappointing, dis-satisfying ways…
The truth is I am gaining momentum
And I am coming for you Father Time, Mother Nature, you too Gravity,
And ohh you… I can’t see you… I can’t see you either… But I know you are at work, dude

The truth is I don’t even know you… I can’t even fathom who created you
And that is what ticks me off the most… It’s either you or me, now…
One of us has got to die… the truth or the lie
I stand gunning, opposing, resisting authority… Freeeeeeee Dumbbbbbb…..

Can I paint you a picture
Can I share a dream